About Seventy Thousand Camels - A Motivational Survivor’s Memoir

It all started when…

I was fifteen years old and thought I’d already suffered more than most people and had a really poignant story to tell.

But the story was far from over…in fact, it had just begun.

Fundamentally speaking Seventy Thousand Camels is about Narcissistic Abuse; first from my primary caregiver, my mother, then my husband (now ex), and later on within the workplace, from “friends”, other family members, and lastly my very own child.

WHY THIS BOOK?

Have you ever felt you don’t belong to your family? I’m not just speaking about your siblings, cousins, aunts or uncles, but about your own mother and father! I never knew my biological father and when my stepfather Alfio entered my life aged ten, I knew for certain I did not belong to him.

My mother though? Alas I knew I was hers.

DISPELLING A MYTH:

For far too long we have been taught blood is thicker than water; that you must respect - revere even - your elders. That because you only get one mother and father you need to understand and moreover accept their reasons for hurting you and where these come from, what moulded them etc etc yadda yadda yadda…..well, I agree to disagree, sorry.

We’re also “advised” to believe that someday we’ll be sorry we decided to go no contact with our persecutors and chastisers, the very people who are supposed to be the role models of life and a soft place to fall, because now they’ve gone and died and are no longer there for you.

Well hello everyone, I’m here to tell you they were never there for me ever!

HERE I COME WITH AN IMPORTANT REFLECTION:

I have discovered that no one in your life is more important than you and your wellbeing, and, that no one has the right to disturb, let alone destroy who you are, what you stand for, and the hopes and dreams you work hard towards realising.

Not your spouse, not your children, not your boss, best friend, and most certainly, not your parents!

NARCISSISTIC ABUSE FACTS:

According to the 2016 Personal Safety Survey, an estimated 2.2 million adult women (23% of Australia’s population in 2016) and 1.4 million men (16% of Australia’s population in 2016) have experienced emotional abuse by a partner at some point since the age of fifteen.

In a 2014 to 2015 Australian survey, data showed one in thirty five children were clients of Child Protective Services because of emotional, corporal, or sexual (often all three) parental abuse or serious neglect.

Being raised by a narcissist, let alone then marrying one as I did, often and irreparably effects their self esteem, their opinion of what safety and personal well-being looks like, their confidence, bravery, and boundaries setting abilities.

Most adult children of narcissistic mothers or fathers (and often of both parents) do not receive help in order to recover, heal and survive from the fallout of historical abuse simply because they do not realise what they’ve suffered is not normal and is in fact highly toxic to self actualization and a happy, productive, successful life.

Targeted topic forums on Facebook for example, are saturated with groups dedicated to narcissistic abuse, whether parental, spousal, even filial. So many are hurting and my autobiography was written with these people in mind - namely for daughters of toxic mothers.

WHY MY BOOK:

Why not I ask you?

I’m one of many stories out there.

What may make my story different to others is an incredible determination to understand myself through the suffering of others, but especially through the perpetrators of crime and their victims. You see, narcissistic upbringing can make you greater or it can irrevocably break you and create an abuser., and believe me when I tell you it’s a lot easier to give in to that inner rage and perpetuate the cycle of abuse than it is to take stock of yourself and your impulses and turn the car around to embark on a better path.

My autobiography is completely self deprecating, and when people want to know why I was always so interested in crime and punishment, I tell them ‘because at various stages of my life I was both criminal and the rehabilitator of criminals’.

I am obsessed with helping others become whole again, and I believe this book will help!

WHY ME:

Because I genuinely care. I want to repair our world, but I’m not God, I cannot reach everyone at once. Books and films, even songs can. I have something important to say and it’s all in my book.

I grew up under the almost complete control and disdain of my mother. I had no paternal reference point to turn to, only my maternal grandmother who tried her best to raise and teach me.

Because of my abuse, fear, and emotional neglect I was unable to set boundaries and I therefore suffered sexual abuse at the age of seven through to eleven years old, I married an abuser, dated abusers, worked with abusers, and even gave birth to two. I am an expert in this sickening subject matter and I hate it. I hate what narcissism and predatorial ego mania does to people. I want to help others become aware before they become as unwell as I became.

WHY NOW:

Because today is all we have. Because yesterday tried to destroy you and tomorrow may not arrive if you don’t try and begin the healing process today.

Because like me, you need to banish the nagging pain, the dancing demons, the apathy, the anger, the cynicism, the self imposed isolation, the addictive behaviours which keep you from believing you are worth your weight in gold and stop you from achieving your hopes and dreams.

You simply cannot allow narcissistic abuse to define you. You’re so much better than that!

INSPIRATIONAL EXAMPLE OF HOW THIS STORY CAN CHANGE A VIEWPOINT:

One of my readers who also left a review on the Troubador UK Publishing book sales page, said the following to me (written from memory not her exact words):

I was ready to put your book in the trash. It wasn’t resonating with me and my values but because I knew you personally, I decided to persevere as I realised you needed reviews. By the time I finished it though it suddenly dawned on me that the book did relate to me on a subliminal level I could never have imagined because I knew no differently. I saw that I was seriously under my husband’s thumb and had no real personal freedom. I want to thank you for forcing me aware of the fact I’m actually trapped in a highly dysfunctional marriage I now have to question.

 Frequently Asked Questions

Why did you choose the name "Seventy Thousand Camels" for you story?

A lot of people have asked this question and I simply tell them they need to get to Chapter 23 to find out, and, to the end of the book to understand what I can only call an "epiphany" or analogy/metaphor/moral for the story told.

How did you survive all that has happened to you and still remain so grounded and altruistic?

My natural willfulness and oppositional defiance are major contributors to the portion about survival.My brand of Spirituality is the reason I remain altruistic as well as obvious psycho-pathological empathy. An innate proclivity towards realism and living in the now, as well lessons derived from the life I've lived, help to keep me grounded.

One of the opening paragraphs mentions the book is about hope and strength. Where do you think your strength comes from and how has it supported you over the course of your life?

As already explained in question two, I was born defiant and questioning; I was also an optimist. If someone told me the sky was orange but I knew it to be blue, even the vilest of tortures would not have made me admit it was orange. I had to have the last say when confronted, and if for some reason, I'd concur with my adversaries, I'd ensure I had the last say eventually. Being defiant helped me cope with most obstacles in life. Up till I received enough "knocks on the head" in my late 40's, I also maintained my undying optimism, where I truly believed good would always triumph over evil. Optimism and defiance gave me my strength to call tomorrow "another" day Scarlett O'Hara style, but my hope came almost solely from my Spirituality and commitment to my children.

After the end of your fifteen year marriage, online dating had a big part to play in finding new relationships. What's your advice about finding love online?

Unfortunately I have become very cynical and anti online dating. I do not recommend it as a means for finding a truly meaningful, enduring relationship. Online dating can be a tool for good friendships forged yes, so long as you are aware your chat is not exclusive. In my opinion online dating is a smorgasbord which often attracts opportunistic personalities. It is also potentially addictive as you come home to the "rush" of the who might have written to me today only to be bitterly disappointed, or left with the need to wile away precious hours looking for another rush. Many times too when meeting a potential date, I found that the person who shows up is nothing like the person in the profile picture both physically and/or intellectually.

Is a profession within the prison system something anyone can do, and which would you recommend, Juvenile or Adult corrections and why?

I personally do not believe just anyone can work within the prison system, and especially not in Juvenile Justice. The best candidate for work in this often pessimistic environment is a personality type who is laden with empathy, fortitude, a good self esteem, and a great sense of humour. To join Corrections you need to believe in restorative justice. You are dealing with the person first, and then their offending behaviour and criminal act. Too many corrections staff join for either the perceived thrill of such an environment, or in order to brag they got to meet "so and so" which is actually a major breach of confidentiality. This kind of attitude and a "cowboy" approach to law and order hold the potential of placing both prisoner and staff at risk of violent repercussions and, does absolutely nothing for behaviour modification and rehabilitation in lieu to a prisoner's release back into their community. Not everyone in the prison system is an evil scoundrel. As far as personal preference for Juvenile Justice or the adult system goes; hands down for juve. Most adults are recidivists and adult corrections is very much set up as a "us and them" punitive environment where the "kind screw" is looked upon as weak and a traitor by many of their colleagues, whereas Youth Workers in Juvenile Justice are actually encouraged to be kind and empathetic in order to counsel the children in custody rather than just lock 'em up and throw away the key. Having said this, children are ten times more difficult to manage than their adult counterparts due to gross immaturity, early inception inside a controlled environment, and the type of oppositional defiance I know only too well.

What would you tell your younger you today?

I would be very emphatic about life not truly being what you perceive it to be in the moment. That everything we experience, everyone who enters our lives are vehicles for our own learning and spiritual growth. That every painful experience will pass and to stop wasting time wishing on a better outcome if only "I'd done this or that, lost more weight, or had a better job". That education is more important for our future than a romantic love life or a particular aesthetic look. That marriage and children are for whole personalities and not as salvage tools for a dangerously low self esteem. That being truthful and kind win the war, but the battles must be chosen carefully. That money is important because it assists one in experiencing travel and social altruism and philanthropy. A good education will therefore provide a good income via the achievement of a solid profession. Finally, that God truly does exist, but it's not monotheistic, man made, or separate from us.

If you lost Adam for whichever reason, would you be able to cope?

This is a very difficult question to answer and believe me, I've often asked it of myself and stated NO, I WOULD NOT. The reality loving, fortuitous side of me knows only too well I'd eventually heal from the enormous, unimaginable pain of such a loss in my life, but the emotional side of me refuses to consider such a loss, let alone complete healing from it. Adam literally saved me from myself and over the past ten years, has been the only constant and unbending support in my life which has been fraught with challenges, and continues being fraught with them as I learn more life lessons. It took me a long time to even allow Adam to love me without continual opposition and deliberate sabotage, so now that I not only accept his love wholeheartedly, but bask in it day in and day out, not having him in my life till the end seems unimaginable and inconceivable, but you know, I've also got to walk my story's talk and get on with it! Life does go on in spite of ourselves, but let's pray we never need to live out the rest of our lives without one another?

Do you still speak to your mother?

It took a lot of continuous narcissistic behaviour from "Gilda" my mother, for me to finally realise classic narcissistic behaviour is incurable. To try to reason with Gilda ad infinitum would be to give in to the adage: the definition of insanity is to continue doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. I'm done trying to draw blood from a stone. I think I finally realised I'll never obtain Gilda's understanding or empathy when I told her my son had been admitted into a psyche ward over Christmas 2019 for extreme violent behaviour against himself and others and all I received from her was a Christmas card explaining that Christmas is all about Jesus' birthday instead of "cats and koalas dressed in Santa suits". I have asked Adam to intercept my mail and dispose of Gilda's future correspondence to me so I don't go back on my promise to let her go. In typical Adel defiance however, I couldn't help sending her a rebuttal Christmas card letting her know I would never again write to her, and what kind of mother and grandmother is she? I envisage not too long in our future I will need to address her impending death (she is 87) and sort out her affairs, but for now it's a case of out of sight, out of mind for MY OWN peace of mind.

Will you pen other books in the future and if so, what are the themes?

I have several more books in me including one I had almost completed before I decided to publish Seventy Thousand Camels. This book which I will endeavour to have soon published through DrZed Publishing South Australia, is a collaboration with my son Edan regarding our journey living with his Aspergers Syndrome or for others who do not believe Aspergers stands out on its own as a diagnosis, with Autism Spectrum Disorder. The book will hopefully carry a foreword by globally recognized Aspergers Syndrome authority, Dr Tony Atwood.